The Sound of Chickens:The Tortallan Sound of Music
by Princess Kalasin
Summary: It's the funny Tortallan Sound of Music! Plus it's the promised Cinderalanna and Sleeping Magelet sequel. No crossdressers...yet. Please review!
1. Umthe Beginning

**DISCLAIMER: If I was Tamora Pierce, Jon would have died a slow and painful death by now, Alanna would have married George in Book 3, and Kel would never have gotten together with Cleon, just to mention a few. The Sound of Music belongs to-well, someone else.**

Chapter 1: Um...the beginning

[Music swells]

Alanna: [comes running up over a hill wearing a habit]

_The hills are alive_

THEY ARE? Eeeeek! [runs back down the hill, screaming] THE HILLS ARE COMING, THE HILLS ARE COMING!

Author: You're running towards your convent, you know.

Alanna: Eeek! I'd rather face the hills! [looks around suspiciously] This isn't another Alanna-Goes-To-The-Convent story is it? I've been in WAY too many of those. Am I betrothed to Gary? Because believe me, that REALLY gets old...

Author: [slaps forehead, wondering why she got stuck with these morons] Just PLAY ALONG, Alanna.

Alanna: [sighs]

_The hills are alive_

_With the sound of chickens_

[looks at the author] WHO WRITES THIS GARBAGE?

Author: Alanna, I'm not supposed to be IN this story, OK? So shut up so I don't need to be in it any more!

Alanna: [sighs again]

_What songs they have clucked_

_For a thousand years_

[looks around] Where are the chickens? I don't see any chickens! [sighs yet again] This is ridiculous!

Random Chickens: Cluck! [peck peck]

Alanna: Oh, there they are!

_My heart will be blessed_

_With the sound of chickens_

OK, that's it, this is just stupid. [stomps back to the convent]

Back at the convent, the nuns (namely Delia, Buri, and Lalasa) are complaining about Alanna.

Delia: Why am I, like, stuck here with you two? You're totally, like, dorks! Like, yeah!

Buri: The stupid Almighty Author pulled our names out of a hat.

Lalasa: Aren't we supposed to be complaining?

Delia: I, like, totally WAS!

Buri: [sarcastically] Then, like, GO!

Delia: I, like, can't. I'm, like, stuck.

Buri: STOP WITH THE LIKE ALREADY!

Delia: Like, why? It's, like, so totally in.

Lalasa: Saying the word "dude" is also in, and that's an infected hair on an elephant's rear end.

Delia: Did you just, like, call me a, like, infected hair?

Lalasa: Like...no!

Delia: Then why did you, like, bring it up?

Buri: Can we just get on with this please? [clears throat] First Daughter, Alanna is missing. Again.

Delia: Like, so?

Buri: [elbows her] It's VERY important that we FIND HER.

Delia: Like, why?

Buri: You're supposed to LIKE Alanna!

Delia: Like, like her? Like, EW! She stole my, like, GUY and then, like, DUMPED him. [giggles] Sounds like something I would do.

Buri: Oh, I'll just sing.

_How do you solve a problem like Alanna?_

_How do you catch a Shang and pin it down?_

_Oh, HOW do make her stay?_

_And LISTEN to what you say?_

Lalasa:

_How do you keep a wave upon the sand?_

Both:

_Oh, how do you solve a problem like Alanna?_

Buri;

_How do you hold a Stormwing_

_In your hand?_

Delia: I, like, dunno.

Alanna: [runs in] Forgive me...Delia? What kind of casting IS this?

Lalasa: Hat casting.

Alanna: Huh?

Lalasa: Don't ask.

Delia: For being late, YOU'RE BEING SHIPPED OFF TO TAKE CARE OF SEVEN KIDS! Muahahahahahaaaa!

Alanna: Is that in the script?

Delia: Uh, it's close enough.

Alanna: [sobs] WHYYYYY MEEEEEEEE? I have no child-raising experience! I'm not even going to get married, much less have KIDS!

Delia: DEAL WITH IT!

The next day...

Delia: Bye, Alanna! Have fun! Or not!

Buri: Where'd her "like" go?

Delia: "Like" is SO five minutes ago!

Alanna: I will get through this. I will.

_I have confidence, you see_

_I have confidence in me!_

Wow...I sound REALLY conceited...let's just skip this and get to the good part. [looks up at a big iron gate] OOOOOOOHHHHH...PRETTTYYYY...

Cleon: Can I help you?

Alanna: Cleon? You're the butler?

Cleon: It's Hat Casting.

Alanna: Ah. Anyway, I'm supposed to meet this...[squints at piece of paper] Baron Von Cooper? What kind of name is THAT?

Cleon: Don't ask me. I'm just the fat, ugly butler who's in love with Kel.

Alanna: Kel?

Cleon: You know, like Keladry of Mindelan...

Alanna: Not THAT Kel, the Kel in the fic!

Cleon: Oh. Well she's the Baron's Fiancee.

Alanna: George is engaged? I'll kill him...

Cleon: In the FIC, Alanna.

Alanna: Oh.

Cleon: Oh, and watch out for frogs and spiders in your bed.

Alanna: SPIDERS?

Cleon: The kids have a weird sense of humor.

Alanna: Shouldn't I meet them?

Cleon: Oh, yeah. Come in.

Alanna: [walks in the door] Are you Baron Von Cooper?

George: Yes. I assume you are here to be their goveneess?

Alanna: Whoa, George, you're being really cold, here.

George: I'm SUPPOSED to be. Now, I'm guessing you'll want to meet the children.

Alanna: Um...yeah...

George: Well that's too bad, because you're going to have to wait until Chapter Two.

_A/N: Yay! It's finally up! I promise to update soon! Please review._

_Also, I know I didn't use the whole songs. They were REALLY REALLY long._


	2. Meet the Children

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything. I own nothing. I am not Tamora Pierce. Whatever way you say it, it means the same thing.**

Chapter 2: Meet the Children

Alanna: It's chapter 2. Can I meet them now?

George: [grumbles] Fine! [blows a whistle]

All 7 Children: [come marching down stairs]

George: They're supposed to introduce themselves to you twice, but I'll leave now so the Almighty Author doesn't have to type it. [leaves]

Alanna: OK, so who the heck are you people?

Thayet: I'm Thayet. I'm 16 years old, and I'm going to marry your lover!

Alanna: You're marrying your FATHER? That's sick...

Thayet: No! The other one!

Alanna: Liam's dead...

Thayet: What ARE you? A slut or something?

Alanna: Well, actually...

Dom: [interrupts, not wanting to hear what she says] I'm Domitan. I'm 14, and you can call me Dom.

Alanna: Um, OK...Next?

Daine: I'm Veralidaine. I'm 13, and I have Wild Magic.

Alanna: That's nice.

Neal: I'm Nealan. I'm 11, and I despise Hat Casting.

Alanna: So what? NEXT!

Onua: I'm Onua, and I REALLY despise Hat Casting because I'm 10-YOUNGER THAN NEAL!

Alanna: Go see a shrink. Next?

Yuki: My name's Yuki, I'm almost 7, and I despise Hat Casting even more because I can't marry Neal! [sobs]

Almighty Author: [does a happy dance] I hate Yuki/Neal!

Alanna: Go AWAY! Next?

Maura: I'm Maura. I'm 5, and I could care less about Hat Casting.

Alanna: Whatever. Is that 7?

Daine: Yup.

Alanna: OK, then...go away or something.

George: Time for dinner!

Alanna: Crap.

Narrator: After dinner...

Jon: [appears randomly] HI!

Thayet: Eeek!

Alanna: Who are you?

Jon: Don't you remember me, Alanna? Your ex-lover?

Alanna: EVERYONE'S my ex-lover.

Thayet: [mutters] Slut.

Alanna: DON'T CALL THE HEROINE A SLUT!

Thayet: Whatever. I need to...uh...go. Yeah. Go.

George: [totally oblivious] Okey dokey!

Thayet: [runs out the door]

Jon: I need to...uh...go too.

George: [still oblivious] Whatever.

Outside, in the gazebo...

Thayet: I'm SO glad my dad's totally stupid.

Jon: No kidding. Anyway, I'm supposed to sing, right?

Thayet: I hope not!

Jon:

_I am 17 going on 18_

_Baby, it's time to rest!_

_You need someone_

_Older and wiser_

_Telling you what to do!_

_I am 17 going on 18_

_I'll take care of you!_

Thayet: Ew! Stop! PLEASE DON'T SING! And DON'T call me BABY.

Jon: Then YOU sing.

Thayet:

_I am 16_

_Going on 17_

And...um...what's next?

Jon: You're supposed to know!

Thayet: And wasn't I supposed to sing first?

Jon: Oh forget it!

Later...

Thayet: [climbs through Alanna's window]

Alanna: Stupid kid! Climb through your OWN WINDOW!

Thayet: [blinks] Why didn't I think of that?

Alanna: Now I'll force you to listen to me sing!

Thayet: NOOOO! Anything but that!

Alanna: Teehee. EVERYBODY GET IN HERE!

All the other children come running in, afraid of Alanna's wrath.

Alanna:

_Sharp points on roses_

_And fangs on cute kittens_

_Yucky old sleigh bells_

_And moth-eaten mittens_

_Wild geese that poo on your head as they pass_

_These are a few of my least favorite things!_

Dom: You brought us in here for THIS?

Alanna: Shut up!

_Girls in blue dresses_

_With ugly orange sashes_

_Snowflakes that freeze on my nose and eyelashes_

_Freezing cold winters that don't go away_

_These are a few of my least favorite things!_

Yuki: This is depressing...

Neal: It's not as depressing as having you, Daine, and Thayet as SISTERS. Who do I fall in love with? Kel?

Almighty Author: YES! [hops up and down]

Alanna: GO AWAY, Kalasin.

Almighty Author: ONLY CALL ME BY ALMIGHTY AUTHOR IN MY FICS!

Alanna: Eeek!

George: [walks in]

Almighty Author: [disappears]

George: What was that awful noise?

Alanna: I was SINGING.

George: That explains it.

Alanna: [mutters] Meanie.

George: What'd you say?

Alanna: I said...um...erode?

George: WHAT?

Alanna: I mean...um...uh...oh, nevermind.

George: Kids, go to bed.

All 7 children: YAY! [they leave]

George: Alanna? What do you have to say?

Alanna: See you next chapter?

_A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers! I love you all! [huggles]_

_Someone (I'm too lazy to go look up the name) guessed that Thayet would be the oldest girl and Jon would be her boyfriend. Congratz, even if I did forget your name..._

_Yes, I know my chapters are short. It gets annoying constantly going back to watch the next piece of the movie...(Yup, I actually watch a little bit, then write it, watch, then write, etc. It helps me remember.)_

_OK, I'm done. I've got a little more Hat Casting to do..._


	3. Yucky Curtain Clothes

**DISCLAIMER: The song "Dope, Ray, Meat" belongs to my U. Paul, and everything else is Tammy's. LONG LIVE TAMORA PIERCE!**

_A/N: Unfortunately, updates will be less frequent now that school has started for me. I'm usually bogged with homework, plus the big school play is coming up, so that means rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal!_

_Extra A/N that got tossed in after the other one was written: I'm so so so sooooo sorry! I finished half of the chapter and then my computer caught a Trojan Horse. So it's been incapable of working for a bit. So I'll try to catch up quickly with extra chapters!_

Chapter 3: Icky curtain clothes

George: OK, NOW what do you have to say?

Alanna: Erm...Thayet climbed through my window so I was punishing her?

George: Eh, good enough. [leaves]

Alanna: Oooh, now I'm going to make them clothes out of curtains that have an awful pattern!

The next day, at the market...

All Children: You sang the depressing song to us and made us ugly clothes! We love you!

Alanna: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Yuki: You don't appreciate our affection?

Maura: WAAAAH!

Neal: TOMATO FIGHT! [throws a tomato from a nearby stand at Alanna]

Daine: Yippee! [tosses a tomato at Alanna]

Alanna: You can't tomato me! I'm the babysitter! Er, nanny! Frauline?

Thayet: Frauline just means miss. It's German. [tosses another tomato at Alanna]

Onua: You're the GOVERNESS.

Alanna: Oh, yeah! What's a governess?

Onua: You're hopeless.

Alanna: Since when do I have to govern someone my age?

Onua: I'm 10.

Alanna: You wish.

Daine: Oooh, look, Numy!

Numair: MY DARLING! [they run to each other and kiss]

Alanna: Numair, you're not in this!

Numair: Oh yeah? Neither are THEY! [points at chickens]

Random Chickens: Cluck cluck.

Alanna: Why do you think this is called the Sound of Chickens? If you want to be in it, have the Almighty Author change it to the Sound of Numair.

Numair: I think I might do that...

RSPP (Random Singing Picketing People, in case you haven't read Sleeping Magelet): Yes! Complain! Demand R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Thayet: NOOOOO! MORE OLDIES! [dies]

Jon: My beloved!

Numair: Try kissing her. It worked for me.

Jon: No problem. [kisses Alanna]

Alanna: EW! Not me! Thayet! [starts throwing up to rid her body of Jon's stupidness germs]

Daine: Hey, our governess is barfing and can't get us in trouble!

Dom: PARTY!

Neal: [hurls tomatoes into the air]

Thayet: [groans]

Jon: YOU'RE DEAD!

Thayet: [rolls over and dies again]

Jon: Yay! Now I can marry my true love!

Dom: Who's that?

Jon: Kel!

Kel: Eeep! NO!

Neal: You're not in this yet.

Kel: Oh yeah. [vanishes]

Dom: NO! She's MINE!

Jon: As if, Dom. I was just kidding.

Everyone except Thayet and Alanna: [lets out a sigh of relief]

Alanna: [finishes throwing up] PARTY'S OVER!

All Children: AWWW!

Alanna: Jon, shouldn't you wake Thayet up?

Jon: WHY? I like being single. It means I can fool around with whoever I want!

Alanna: The Almighty Author will be REALLY mad if you don't give her Thayet back. She needs her for the part.

Jon: So?

Alanna: I wouldn't diss the author if I were-

Alanna was cut off by an anvil falling on Jon's head.

Alanna: You.

RSPP: THE STUPID AUTHOR HAS NOT GIVEN US A LINE IN TOO LONG! PEOPLE WILL FORGET WE'RE HERE! WE NEED RESPECT!

Alanna: In your dreams. Aren't you supposed to be torturing Delia?

RSPP: Oh, yeah. [they vanish]

Maura: Waaah!

Alanna: What?

Maura: The Almighty Author doesn't give me lines either! I WANT MY MOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!

Alanna: Well, I'm not your mommy [coughyetcough] but I can sing a song for you!

Daine: [throws herself at Alanna's feet] No! Please! I beg you!

Alanna: Is my singing really that bad?

Neal: YES!

Daine: Actually, it's not. I just want to stay with Numy.

Dom: Are you kidding? She's the worst singer since...I don't know who!

Alanna: OK, then. We're ALL going into the hills and I'm going to sing.

Daine: Why into the hills?

Alanna: I don't want to torture the poor people in the market.

Random Market People: YAY!

Alanna: But first we've got to wake Thayet up. JON!

Jon: [looks up at Alanna groggily] Wha???

Alanna: Kiss Thayet.

Jon: No problem. [kisses her]

Thayet: Eeeek! Jon kissed me! Now I have...THE STUPIDNESS DISEASE!

Alanna: MAITENANCE!

Cleon: You rang?

Alanna: Clean up the tomatoes.

Cleon: Awww, why me?

Alanna: Unless you'd rather come with us to hear me sing.

Cleon: Uh, no, no, that's OK! I'll just...clean the tomatoes. No need to hear you sing!

In the hills...

Alanna: OK... [strums guitar] I'm going to tech you to sing!

Yuki: Um...

Maura: But we CAN sing!

Neal: Better than YOU, anyway.

Alanna: I'm the governess! You'll do as I say! [clears throat]

_Dope, a driver, a female driver_

_Ray, a thing shot from a gun_

_Meat, the stuff you eat with potatoes_

_Far, a place I wish you'd run_

_Soap, the stuff to wash your hair_

_La, a note sung by a dope_

Tea, to drink with your éclairs 

_That will bring us back to dope_

Everybody!

Maura: Do I HAVE to?

Alanna: Yes.

Maura:

_Dope, a driver, a female driver_

What's a driver?

Alanna: I have no idea.

Yuki:

_Ray, a thing shot from a gun_

What's a gun?

Alanna: NO MORE QUESTIONS!

Onua:

Meat, the stuff you eat with potatoes

Daine: Why do you meanies eat meat? Think of the poor little cows and fish and deer!

Alanna: Oh, this isn't working. Let's go home.

All children: YAAAAAY!

Back at home...

Kel: Dahling, your home is stunning!

George: Dahling?

Kel: I'm trying to BE the part, Mr. Cooper!

George: Stop with the Mr. Cooper thingie! You're supposed to be in love with me!

Kel: Ew!

Gary: REALLY, you two!

Kel: Gary? Why are you here?

Gary: I'm that guy who came with you!

Kel: Hat casting?

Gary: How'd you guess?

Kel: Oh, look, there are a bunch of kids with ugly curtain clothes!

George: [gasp] THOSE ARE MY KIDS!

Kel: That's SO undignified!

George: When did YOU become miss nobility?

Kel: About 5 seconds ago.

Gary: So, are you going to do anything about it?

George: Kel being a noble for once?

Gary: No! Your kids!

George: Next chapter. The Almighty Author has math homework.

Gary: Yuck.

_A/N: I really do have homework, so just review!!! Oh, and thanks to all of you who reviewed the last chappie!_


End file.
